My Breast Cancer Journey

My Breast Cancer Journey

Self portraits and paintings and writings documenting my journey through Breast Cancer

I used this weeks theme to explore my fear of cancer. I am currently awaiting results from some breast biopsies and also have PTSD from having cancer of the esophogus and having a very difficult time post operatively. So as you can imagine, this hasnt eased my fears. So hopefully this will help me get through this.

ID self portrait of me topless with hands on hips which are tilted as are my shoulders. I have painted my nipples and lips read and the heart in the centre of my necklace, I am wearing glasses and I have pinky red hair in a feather cut. My necklace is a black choker with silver discs on it and a design of a light and dark dragon entwined round a red heart.

Breast cancer self portraits – first completed painting.

Today have been doing a lot of painting as its great for taking my mind off things and relaxing.

Got a letter from the GP today saying to contact them for a chat as regards the cancer and how Im feeling etc, which is nice.

Ide forgotten but am also on a two week pathway to have a lesion on my leg checked which might be cancerous, so goodness knows how these things are going to combine treatment wise. Feeling a bit more panicky today as things getting more real, hence the avid painting!! Think Im going to do some yoga as that is good for calming too and releasing pent up anxiety via activity.

ID self portrait of me staring wide eyed with horror my hands are on either side of my face, fingers spread facing outwards. I have red, shaggy hair and yellow/green eyes and wearing a shaggy black jumper. Behind me are grey and black concentric circles

2nd completed portrait for my cancer self portraits. This one started with me having a panic attack. Ive actually had an ok day today.

Had a lovely walk with my friend and a chat about politics and he has offered to let him know if I need any help which is nice.

Tomorrow I have an apt in the morning with my GP to discuss ways they may be able to support me through my cancer journey and in the afternoon I am having my leg lesion photographed by AI and possibly operated on on same day. But not necessarily?!

Anyhoos got a busy day with appointments, both tomorrow and Friday. Friday Im having my pre op for my breast surgery the following week and having a seed implanted in the tumour so they can find it easily I think? I cant remember why now, its already got some sort of metallic marker near it that was put in at time of biopsy!!

Anyhoos wish me luck me lovelies, please xxx

ID watercolour painting of me viewed from the side, I have arched my back backwards and one amr is crossed over the other with hands resting on shoulder and elbows pointing forwards. This is based on a pose by the fabulous model Nicole, which I thank her for the inspiration. The darker shades of my skin I have done in green and the other shades are light brown colours. My hair is red as are my lips, nails an nipple. On the side of my breast, just before it reaches my body, is a dressing over where they put the radioactive seed in, the dressing is covered with a waterproof dressing.

Cancer portrait number 3 completed. Today I received a supermarket order and have decanted 2.1 kg of chips into smaller meal sized bags, read for after the operation when Im not allowed to lift anything over a kg for a while. Ive written a list of things I need to take to the hossie for my breast cancer operation. And set alarms for tomorrow morning for my skin cancer appointment with the consultant. So yep, a bit full on at the moment, I felt awake this morning but feeling tired again today and a wee bit sick, which is probably nerves.

ID Self portrait, watercolour I have red feathered hair and am wearing red lipstick, I am sat on a chair and leaning forward and to one side, with one ankle balanced on the opposite knee. so my calf is horizontal and in view. On my calf can be seen a small lesion. I am wearing magnificent, black punky chunky boots, a blue vest top and a necklace with a red heart at the middle. I am wearing purpley/burgundy trousers. The background has been painted using the inspiration of the AI photograph that was used to diagnose the pre cancerous condition. That photograph is included in this post and shows a mottled pink and red area.

Pre cancerous leg portrait finished – Feeling well rested today. Took a sleeping tablet prescribed by GP yesterday and slept much better than I have been doing recently – so was wise move.

I dont need to worry about my leg for now as its pre cancerous and they are not in a rush to treat it as the chemo cream I was initially prescribed is still doing its magic.

Thank you very much to Sarah for the weekly challenges that stretch me out of my comfort zone, really had a laugh doing this one. Couldnt stop laughing when looking at the final piece!!

This was inspired by when I thought I had cancer in both my breast and leg and it did make me feel a bit like a roast chicken and that saying re breast and leg. I thought it would make for a surreal image and decided to go for it. It also alludes to the surgeon specialities that will be operating. From yet another angle it brings us down to the fact that we can be treated very much like a piece of meat that needs curing, due to the massive numbers of people that the NHS is dealing with. And again alludes to the fact that in todays society by some sexist people we are viewd as a piece of meat rather than a person. so it works on multiple levels although the initial thought was to bring some humour to my situation.

ID ID 3/4 angle pose. I am looking down and have my shoulders at a sharp angle with the forground shoulder high and the back shoulder low. The top half of my body from the waist, is twisted round more towards the front. My front hand is spread, fingers and palm facing forward and upward and my bottom hand is facing downward with the palms showing. On my breast at the side, can be seen some paper stitches. I have my hair tied up with wisps at the side and am wearing a choker necklace. the shadows on my body have been painted in green and my eyes have been painted green and yellow and my nipples and lips have been painted red and the next shade has been painted in a brown colour an the final shade painted in a paler brown with hair, knickers and necklace finished also
Cancer Portrait 5 completed. The image is of the stitches on my seed plant wound which happened before my surgery. Today I am day 3 post surgery and last night had to go to A and E as I feared my wound had split! showing underneath the seethrough waterproof bit of the dressing but not the white bit, was a deep, extremely dark red area. So after speaking to the ward they told me to go to A and E – the triage nurse informed me it was a bruise, so i felt a bit of a fraud, but she advised me to stay to get it checked out anyway to be on the safe side. So approx 5 hrs later I saw the Registrar who examined the wound and tole me that Ide been right to go in as you can get internal bleeding from the wound, which that dark bruise could have been a symptom of. fortuntely all is well – wound is redressed and he sent me home with instructions to come back if it worsens.
ID Self portrait of me in bed in Wythenshawe hospital, following my operation for a lumpectomy. I have read hair which is tied up and am wearing black pyjama top with white squiggly lines on it, which are actually cat oultines, but that is not clear. I am leaning on a pillow, behind me is the hospital wall with a board with "bed 16" written on it and a lamp attached if and a socket and a few other bits which im not sure what they are.

Finished Cancer portrait number 7. This is from when I was in hospital and had had my operation but was in under observation and wearing my fabulous cat pyjamas, which are black with white outlines of cats on them, you cant really tell in this painting as they are quite subtle!

ID Self portrait in watercolour of me wearing a red support bra, I have one arm going over the top of my head and the other across my body, with my hand supporting my breast which has been operated on. Painting extends to below the belly button.

Completed cancer portrait number 8. On me first day home after operation for breast cancer and removal of tumour. I am wearing a support bra which Ive done in red for artistic licence, but its actually pink in real life. I also have a black one, I have to wear them day and night for 6 weeks after my operation.

Ive been getting a tad anxious about what the test results will be for my sentinel nodes that they removed at my breast cancer surgery, as they will be biopsying them to see if they are cancerous or not, and if they are, I will be requiring a further operation and more nodes removing. Ive got a feeling that all should be ok, but obviously still worried as dont have proof either way until the tests are done!! I get the results on the 21st of October and what my treatment plan will be going forward. Im on day 9 after my surgery now and still very good at sleeping! I dont know how much of this tiredness is due to the op and how much may be due to me withdrawing from hrt.

ID self portrait painted in green, tan and light cream colour and lips and nipple painted red. Mango, my black cat, has been painted. I am viewed from the side of the wound. My front arm is bent and resting on the top of my head, the other arm is bent up at the side and you can see my hand splayed across the side of my head facing . I have rounded my upper back slightly and because my arm is raised, you can see the large dressing running down the side of my boob, where my boob heads into my armpit. I still have the two hospital tags on my right arm. Mango, my cat has her back to the camera and is resting one paw on my leg.

Completed Cancer Portrait No 9 from day of return from hospital with the dressing over the surgery site where the tumour has been removed and some sentinel nodes. Today I have another migraine and I think next door are drilling and demolishing the party wall which is on the other side of my kitchen, the kitchen wall joins onto the bedroom wall, so as you can imagine, its not ideal environment for migraine! But apart from migraine am doing ok recovering from op. I had to adjust my support bra as the top of my scar wasnt healing as the edge of the bra under the arm, was rubbing on the scar and aggravating it! So Have altered that and made it higher so hopefully the top of the scar will get a chance to heal better as the bottom of it is doing pretty well.

ID completed self portrait. My face is facing forward and by body is at 3/4 angle with my hands held in tense poses to the front of the image, so my arms are bent at the elbow, Im kneeling down. I have painted the dark shades in in green and have painted in my eyes lips and nipples and also the wound and bruising round it and the next shade has been added which is a mid to pale brown and the final colour, light wash of very pale reddish brown. and hair is painted in shades of red and purple.

Completed Breast Cancer Self Portrait number 10

This shows hte day I removed the dressing after my operation to remove the lump and also for some nodes to be removed and tested, I get the results of the node biopsies on the 21st October.
Im feeling ok in myself at the moment but still very good at sleeping. Mango, my cat, is getting a wee bit bored with my lack of activity, I can still chase her but thought it best not to throw things for her to chase, whilst swelling still so pronounced. Im getting a wee bit bored already with reduced activity, but at least I have my paintings to keep me occupied.

Completed Cancer portrait no 11 I think? This is about a week after taking the dressing off. So about 2 weeks after the operation. I had another appointment a couple of days ago to let me know about my node biopsies which are fortunately clear. Had a lovely time attending and @all4inclusion award ceremony in which the lovely @donna_gleeson @disabled_life_2b_lived and @floydwhitneymyra won well deserved awards. Congratulations to them all.

Had a nightmare last night, been getting a few and think it may be to do with withdrawing from my hrt. Im starting on a tablet soon which I have to take for 5 years, which blocks all the estrogen from coming into my body, so a bit worried about what teh side effects might be from that.

ID Me smiling I have painted the green as the dark shade and the paleish orange brown as the next shade on the skin. I have one hand at my chest and the other across my stomach and am at 3/4 angle so you can see my scar. I am smiling because it was teh day I found out that my nodes were clear of cancer, though somewhat alarmed that the area they had removed was 3cm due to some dodgy tissue surrounding the tumour! I have now completed the portrait by painting in the third colour and blending, the third colour is a pale cream colour. I have also painted in my red shaggy hair, with fringe and my black choker necklace with chain underneath and small metallic discs ontop of the leather choker

Finished Cancer Portrait No 11. Done from photograph taken on the day i was informed that my lymph nodes were clear which was fabulous mood as it meant no further surgery required and deffo no chemo! That was on the 21st of October so 9 days ago. Since then Ive been healing and getting a lot of migraines which may be caused due to hormonal changes as I had to stop taking my hrt due to the tumour being estrogen and progesterone based. Im also sleeping a lot which may be a combination of hormonal changes and the operation. Ive been getting strange dreams, nightmares and night sweats as well and have been prescribed a med that is supposed to help with the night sweats, tbh Im getting them in the day as well! so yep I hadnt really thought about the withdrawal side of the hrt being part of the breast cancer journey. Being as I get a lot of migraines anyway, its difficult to know if Im getting one of my normal gluts, or if these are induced by the hormonal changes. Deffo I think the nightmares are connected as are the sweats.

ID Arial view of Completed painting of black cat being cuddled. Painted in shades of Black, brown and purple The cat is curled up in a ball and she has an arm wrapped round her with a hand (mine) resting on her thigh. You can see the pattern of my fabulous black cat pyjamas at the bottom on the picture which is my arm and lap, and is white outline on black backgroundand surrounding the rest of the cat is the pattern on my quilt on my bed. Which is in shades of teal green with paler pattern on it.

Completed Cancer portrait No 12 – Today I have been finishing painting this and resting – again today, I have quite severe nausea, I think maybe I should take my temperature to see if anything is going on. Feeling quite sick but enjoyed the painting. I dont know if its from my anti-migraine medication or withdrawal from my HRT so caused by hormones. Ive got that many things going on that it could be that its difficult to know, but have to say, really hate feeling nauseaous.

Resting and recovering with my cat Mango, groups theme, which is connections – so am showing the wonderful connection between me and Mango.

ID have now painted in the main background in goldink, pattern in squares of yellow, gold ochre and black, white dots and small circles and squiggly lines. Pattern is Klimt influenced. Portrait of myself Im a white woman with poppy red hair wearing red lipstick and eyeliner, my pyjama top is blue with patterns of lilac crescent moons, gold and white stars and red hearts, Im holding a fan and fanning myself to combat a hot flush and I have flushed cheeks due to it too.

Completed Portrait Cancer Treatment No 13. Got apt tomorrow to see if they can go ahead with the radiotherapy or not and have the machine set up and CT scan, I think that is what this appointment is for. Getting a bit bored of having migraine and feeling nauseous! Hopefully it will settle down as think its a side effect of coming off the hrt and the anti -estrogen drug Im on.  Im worried about having this drug and the fact that my bone scan shows I have lower bone density as this drug can impact on low bone density and I have it, despite being protected by the hrt I was on. I have osteopenia which isnt as bad as osterperosis, but is heading in that direction, so they will be keeping an eye on me and I have another bone density scan when ive been on the estrogen killing meds for 2 years. 

ID Me viewed from the foot end. I am lying on my back with my knees raised up on a blue wedge. I have a white piece of paper covering my top half. Im wearing green, yellow and black, tartan cropped trousers and green socks. My hair is dyed poppy red and My arms are above my head, being supported at the bicep and wrist, with supports to help me hold the position required for the radiotherapy. Behind me is a large donought hole which the "bed" im on is about to be fed into - this is the CT scanner. I have a metal stop at my feet to hold me in position. On either side of hte donought is a rectangluar thing with buttons and numbers on it, the numbers match on both sides. The table/bed Im resting on is black with a clear shape over the top of it. The clear shape on top, narrows as it comes towards you. Down the side of the table is written F5, F6 and F7

Complete Cancer portrait number No 14. About to enter CT scanner and being measured up and marked for my radiotherapy treatment which Im starting on Thursday.

Im not sure what to expect tbh as have heard different things from different people. In general people are saying that they felt fine – so hoping thats the same for me. Though I wont be surprised if it impact on my energy levels with already having some energy reducing conditions with the chronic migraine and hypermobility syndrome and scoliosis. This is a CT scanner that Im heading into, the actual radiotherapy will be done on a radiotherapy machine, which Im hoping to get a photograph of as well. Ive got all my Christmas shopping done, which Ive done online and sent all my Christmas cards as wanted to get that all done before I started my treatment as not sure how it will make me feel. So feeling a tad nervous and anticipatey but not too frightened or alarmed.

ID Me in hospital gown lying on the radiotherapy bed, I have my arms above my head supported on 4 supports and the radiotherpy machine is above me, though it moves round you when you are having treatment.

Cancer portrait number 15 completed. Me under radiotherapy machine with the red light on that they use which makes you look pink. Im feeling a wee bit sore and swollen but I think the swelling on my boob may have gone down a wee bit, but not on my nipple, my boob is still very pinky/red on the bottom half.

ID self portrait of woman with red hair. She has one arm raised bent backwards behind her head, showing the cording under her armpit which is a side effect from the operation and radiotherapy. Her right breast and chest are bit pink and burned from the radiotherapy especially on the bottom half of her boob, her right nipple is also swollen. Her other hand is resting on her stomach. She is wearing green armhy pants on her bottom half and is kneeling down at a 3/4 angle to the viewer, so her right side ( treatment side) is nearest to the viewer.

Cancer portrait no 16 showing the affects of radiotherapy on the skin and the side effect I have called cording, which can be seen in the armpit where the collagen has reacted and healed into a cord like structure that will require massage and physiotherapy. I am having to moisturise the burnt skin 3 times a day and that will be going on for a while, Its still somewhat sensitive and swollen, but think its improved a wee bit.